By the time we were 21 years old, we were so OVER drinking booze that we actually STOPPED! Ironic, since here in the United States you can't legally drink booze UNTIL you're 21. Too bad that doesn't work the same for other laws we could just as easily break here, like we didn't bother to illegally CAST BALLOTS in local elections before we turned 18!
Too bad sobriety doesn't have the same corporate sponsorship that "non-sobriety" does, again, we're talking about here in the good ole U. S. of A. Instead of Coors, Budweiser, Smirnoff, Stoli and the Betty Ford Clinic, Kool-Aid,Perrier, Dr. Pepper and the Brigham Young University could bombard our EVERY holiday and get-togethers with obnoxious advertising that's specially tailored for our EVERY non-alcoholic celebration. Oh Brave New World!
Don't worry, if you're anything like us, --and for your sake, we hope that's not true-- then embarrassing yourself while completely sober-out-of-your-mind will be NO PROBLEM! Why, just this morning we opened the refrigerator and found our car keys in the butter dish... and we totally know we did this sober, but we can't brag about it to our friends and family, because it just doesn't sound the same to say, "Oh man, we were so NOT f-ed up last night, we totally remember everything!" So happy sober birthday to you and your's. We can guarantee Hallmark and American Greetings DO NOT have sober birthday cards. We know because we troll their sites ALL THE FRICKIN' TIME!
Stranger things have happened. Here's one more perk of enjoying your birthday "straight" as the kids say. You'll never have to cringe, fearing some potential love interest or employer may some day discover humiliating videos of a young, drunken YOU on: Vine, Tumblr or YouTube! And now you can read all of Charles Bukowski's rambling incoherence and feel like a better person! Congrats. Now, please send one of our Rubber Chicken Ecards. We asked nicely.
Your birthday doesn't have to be like a 1970's re-run of the Osmonds Variety Show. NO ONE can smile that big for that long, it's just not natural! Anyway, you deserve a holiday without the pressure of a hangover. So enjoy yourself, you can have an Irish Coffee, except now it's just coffee, but on the UPSIDE, it's served to you by Sinead O'Connor! Clever huh? Sinead O'Connor, see we NEVER coulda come up with that one if we still drank. If THAT isn't inspiring, well let's just not go there.
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