Frank calls you at 3 AM to tell you that his car won't start and he is hold up in a closed gas station which he managed to break into. He tells you he's blocked the door with the snack machine because he is across the street from a downtown bar where a knife fight has broken out sending several "patrons" through the plate glass window and asks would you please come get him. You hang up because you are not Frank's BFF!
You ask, "What's the address??" He says, "I don't know." You ask, "What's the name of the street?" He says, "Central." You ask, "North or South?" He says, "South". You say, "Call 911", then you hang up and go back to sleep because you are not Frank's BFF!
You ask, "What bar?" He says, "Theython." You say, "Stay put, I'll be right there!" You hang up. You dial 911. You say, "Melt down at The Python." Then you get dressed and drive down to South Central. You see the police pull up to the bar. You pull into the gas station across from the bar and honk the horn. Frank shoves the snack machine away from the station door and leaps into your car. You drive off together. Frank says "Thanks man." You say: "No problem." You are Frank's BFF... and you realize you're also kind of an idiot.
You have just sat down to a huge family Thanksgiving gathering. Your cell phone rings. You answer. It's Jackie. You ask if you can call her back. She launches into the 1300th rendition of her break up with Mike, her boyfriend of TWO YEARS ago! You ask if you can call her back. She sobs profusely going into every excruciating, uncomfortable detail of the demise of her ANCIENT romance. You say, "Jackie, it's Thanksgiving and my family is waiting." She sobs louder. You hang up because you are not Jackie's BFF!
You look at the number on your ringing cell phone. Of course it's Jackie. You look at the FEAST laden table. You text her, "Can't talk now", up because you are not Jackie's (or Frank's) BFF!
You look at the number on your ringing cell phone. It's Jackie. You answer, "Where are you?" She sobs, "Macy's!" You sigh and say, "Go to the lingerie section." She says, "That' where I am!" You say, "See you in 20." You smile at your bewildered family and friends and say, "Save me some stuffing." You are Jackie's BFF ...and a masochist (hello, "50 Shades of You!").
You have just gotten home from the worst traffic jam in the history of the 110. FIVE hours of heat and carbon dioxide. The phone is ringing. It's Joan. She says, "Buster's dead. He's under the sofa. I can't get him out." You say, "Coming." You race back out to your car while mentally plotting side streets to get you to Joan ASAP! You are Joan's BFF. And you are a wonder!
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